Monthly Archives: November 2011
The 2000-2001 Darwin Awards Are Here!!!!!!!!
The latest Darwin Awards update….
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for
those individuals who contribute to the survival of
the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene
pool before they have a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6’2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose
was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man – who was
declared dead on arrival at the hospital – the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out
one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the woman lost her own.
6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground”, Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma”.
7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate – was
8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what’s coming, can’t you?).
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.
This is long, but classic!!!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
Please note … these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like
nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
she’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse
she’ll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he’s well and can get out of bed
she’ll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she’ll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
she’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she’ll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks
sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided
it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey; the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway. He invited all his neighbors to come
over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into
the well. The donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was
astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off
and take a step upward!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
By the way, the donkey kicked THE SHIT out of the bastard that tried to
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.